I-messages
In the cartoon you’ve read about Pablo and D. Pablo sometimes feels that D doesn’t respect his choices. At one point D. talked about Pablo’s mother in an insulting way. This offended Pablo. But Pablo decided not to say anything, hoping the remark would go away.
Instead of keeping quiet Pablo could have used an I-message, to express how he felt about D’s remark.
For instance he could have said:
- “I feel irritated when you say that I spent too much time with my mother” - which would have helped him to express how he felt, without getting into a fight. When we use I-messages, we are communicating assertively, without being passive or aggressive.
A good way of stating an I-message is as follows:
I feel ... (state your own feeling here - not an idea or judgment)
when you ... (tell the person what he/she has done to make you feel this way - keep to the facts)
because ... (give them a reason for why this action makes you feel this way)
and so .... (tell the person what you would like them to do instead).
An example:
I feel frustrated
when you wear my clothes without asking my permission
because I need to know that you respect my belongings
and so I would like you to ask me next time you want to wear something of mine.
In the cartoon you read about a number of conflicts between learners. Working in pairs, write an I-message for each of the conflicts below that would have resolved the conflict nonviolently.
1. James refused to help Njambi with her Homu (write an I-message that Njambi could use).
2. You are a chicken Dave, Unaogopa kuvuta bangi? It makes you brave! (write an I-message that Dave could use).
3. Kiki walked up to Grace and grabbed her haga (write an I-message that Grace could use).
4. Kioko alikuwa anawatch ball halafu ball ikamgonga Kichwa (write an I-message that Kioko could say to the guy who kicked the soccer-ball).
5. Siku understand Wanjala (write an I-message that you could say to Wanjala).
Now back again with the group, look at some of the I-messages that others have come up with. Why do you think I-messages help to resolve conflicts?
